omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
