Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
