I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
