Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
