He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
