I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
