Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
