i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
