She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
