i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
