I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
FUCK WHALES
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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