She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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