So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
