I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
