You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
