My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
