Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
