did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
