I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
