Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
