he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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