im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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