So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I need water and some morals
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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