Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
