1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Pants are for mortals
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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