dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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