Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
