I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
