My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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