Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
