I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
