I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
