I can't watch pbs sober anymore
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
