I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
