Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
