I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
meet me or not, i'm out of control
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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