I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
