I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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