the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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