I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
