my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
