Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
