maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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