Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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