I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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