Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
