the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
