This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
