The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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