so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He better not be in your backpack
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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